Distance.

I try to remember what it was like not to rely on email to communicate with people, what it was like to have to yell into the receiver so that a relative in Israel could hear me. The distance between us seemed so much greater then. I think about the times when we didn't have voice mail or call waiting and how I kept trying a friend or a relative until I didn't get the annoying busy signal and until the person I was calling returned home from wherever she was and picked up the phone.

I can't remember if I was able to get on with my life for a couple of hours before I tried the number again or if I went back to the phone every five minutes until the person picked up. I think it was the latter. How did I get to be this way?

Not being able to get a hold of someone has always unsettled me. I used to write this off to the times I was cheated on, but now I'm remembering it goes farther back. Much farther.

I think I was driven by Persistence. Stubbornness against the odds. Wanting to connect with the people I loved who uprooted themselves while I was young. Not "abandonment issues," no. I didn't feel abandoned. I just had a hard time with the growing distance between me and the people I love.

I still do.