the body, reset

It's pretty amazing to me what our bodies are capable of storing up.

I've written about body memory before.
These days, I've been thinking about the rhythms the body creates to sustain itself.

I can tell myself all I want that expectations are unhealthy, that they lead to disappointment, but my body has its own rhythmic logic. My body wouldn't calm down until I read the Talking Points Memo each morning leading up to the elections. It expects to find itself in a new environment every break I get from work; otherwise, it gets stir crazy. I feel this very physically in my body, not just psychologically.

I also just realized that my body sets up its patterns with people. It expects to make contact with people it likes somewhat regularly once even a vague pattern has been established. During the elections week, I struggled with changes to one such pattern. It was a hectic week for everyone, and someone I/my body expected to see had a change in plans. My body had a visceral reaction. I felt anxiety and began wondering what was up. I think finding absence when I looked forward to presence stirs up some old, old shit in my body (=baggage leftover from being cheated on in a relationship, and probably some stuff about growing up with family members I loved living in another country).

Once I became conscious of these patterns, I knew my body needed a "reset." I needed beach time. Perspective. Fast.

I couldn't have picked a better day to ride my bike to the beach. Yesterday, at dusk, the moon and the sky and the ocean were gorgeous. I read aloud the bit about hope that I posted yesterday. And I honestly felt calm in my body for the first time in a while.

Body resetting mission: accomplished.

I know I have managed to erase the patterns my body had built up. I feel more grounded and less programmed now. My body feels more aligned with how I feel and how I perceive myself: it feels open to spontaneity again rather than privileging patterns that don't really exist.

Nothing like nature to show you even the natural rhythms possess an inherent variation and randomness within.



:: exhales ::