on L/love

Fuck it. I know exactly what's wrong within my body, what I need to alleviate all the anxiety and sadness stored up in there for months and months. I think too many people look for explanations when it's clear what we need. But let me make I statements, as vulnerable as I feel writing this post. You know what would make me feel better?


L.O.V.E.


Not "love ya," not a dutiful "I love you." Not something at the end of an email or in a text message (no matter how genuine those may be, too), but a genuine and in-person "I love you," in any and all its variations.


I want to feel in my body that I am loved.



Yes.




.
.
.


Love. Been thinking about all its paradoxes. This will get lost in translation, but as the Turkish saying goes, it's too bad that love has become a piece of gum in people's mouths, at least in this country. People throw it around all the time, so it's hard to know the difference between love and Love. I do think there needs to be a difference between "I love my new corkscrew" and "I love you."

And yet, and yet…

I do think I have come to take "Love" too seriously; when I'm in a relationship, I do wait for the other person to say the L-word before I open up. I have also gotten so sucked into all the semantics of love that I am not certain I can tell the difference between loving and being in love. The distinction in Turkish is a lot clearer to me. You have one word for the person you are in a romantic relationship with, and another you can use for your new corkscrew, playing hooky, your grandma…


.
.
.

I began making a list of things that make me feel loved and alive. Once I feel I have my list down, I plan on going through it and giving each item some time to the extent that I am able—in other words, it's not like I can manipulate someone into making me dinner or reading to me. It happens when it happens. I thought of what has gotten me out of a funk in the past and made me feel love/beauty/inspiration/alive in my body. Here's the list so far (when I think of something else, I'll add it to the comments section):

• 1 am trip to the beach

• a trip to the beach anytime

• swimming in a sea

• "That's it; I'm taking you out for sushi."

• Octojelly
(=my biracial kite)
• Bubbles

• being pissed off out of my funk

• crying the stress out of my body

• um, sex...kisses and bites and cuddling. (Duh.)

• someone's beautiful words in a blog post

• The Stendhal Syndrome—being moved by art and music.

• traveling elsewhere
• being read to

• reading the zines Tomas gave me
• recording haiku moments

• the wisdom of Chip Thomas

• writing postcards to people I love everyday for a month (I need to go buy some stamps pronto!)

• bourbon and conversation with Todd, or sometimes just sitting together in silence

• reading James Baldwin









What makes you feel loved and alive?