BAH! ((She’s a temptress.))

I had brunch with Michael and Lauren today. If it weren't for the time I spent with them in April, I probably wouldn't be here now. After last night's dinner and drinks with two high school friends from Turkey, too, I have been asked so many times already when I might move to NYC. I've been asking myself the same question since before I got here.

I don't know for certain. I have some ideas, and I am not quite ready to have you read about these yet. Uncharted territory needs to remain uncharted for now.

Anyhow, the intention is now out there in the world. I may decide to stay put in SF indefinitely after all this possibility-exploring, but to take the NYC option seriously for myself, to really consider it an option, I need to figure out what I would do here if not teach. Yes, I could teach. I don't think it would be that hard for me to get a job in a NYC independent high school. (Yes, I am arrogant. I know what I know about myself.)

But…

If I am going to go through a major life change, I kinda want to think outside the box. I mean, I first thought of wanting to be a teacher in 6th grade. That was about two decades ago. If I am going to uproot myself and start new, I want to think about what else I might want to do to really start fresh. In the end, I might decide to keep teaching. I do love what I do. Still, it's kinda exciting to brainstorm, no strings attached.


And terrifying.


(If you know me, you know that if I notice myself feeling fear or anxiety about something, I pursue it all the more.)




Things will become clear eventually. The present is what it is, and everything is everything.

a green card is not green...and other falsities

I did some research because I don't trust people.
Turns out the Green Card lottery notification was a scam.

(Keep breathing. It's fine.)

I am more disappointed that Kamau does not come out of this as an affirmed prophet than I am in the false news.


And in case you're wondering:

No, I actually don't feel like an idiot for dreaming for a minute about the possibilities. I feel pretty happy that I double and triple checked the legitimacy of the correspondences I received (yes, there were multiple emails, which did not ask for money right away, which made it all seem more legit). Besides, I already have a green card application in the works, and as some of you know, I immediately felt stressed about having to open a new file and pour money and time into this process simultaneously (which would happen even if the win was a legit one). So...oddly enough, I feel relieved now.


Apologies to all whom I have disappointed in my ninja powers of being ridiculously lucky.

I'm seriously OK with thisº. I hope you are, too.



º ...that is, with not actually having won the lottery. I certainly am not OK with the fact that there are assholes out there scamming people and playing with their hopes.

June 8, 2008

I was thinking about how I just graduated my 9th class at the same job.
Next year, this time, I can say I've been at the same job for a decade.


:: shudder ::


What's a relief to others is just scaryass shit to me: security, being grounded in happily doing the same job for a decade, no matter how different each class and each day and each year is.



...




I just realized minutes ago that tomorrow is June 8th, 2008, and that tomorrow is less than an hour away. Tomorrow is the day I will have been in this city for exactly a decade.


More and more, I am feeling like it is almost time to start something new elsewhere.










(Is there anything that you've been doing contentedly for 10 years?)

In a post on May 26...

on a different blog, I wrote:


I want the word awesome back.

As in AWEsome. As in awe inspiring. As in oozing with enough awe to last you a week in a city.
I thought about adding a new suffix to the root, but "-ful" is already taken...for the fucking antonym! What's up with that?

I want "Wow, that was awesome" to once again be a very specific, flattering compliment, not a synonym for the generic "cool, dude!"


Got it? Good (not awesome).


....




On May 27:
Jon Stewart spoke about AWEsome on The Daily Show.




Coincidence? I think not. (Brilliant minds think alike.)

h i s t o r y

HOLY SHIT.



I just witnessed history in the making, and I don't even understand my reaction, but I am totally teary eyed. What the fuck, a Turkish girl, "alien," multiple green card applications in process, now all teary eyed, all proud and shit...

Well, I'm weird. And I am so glad millions of people were also just a little weird enough to vote with their conscience.











Obama Claims Nomination; First Black to Lead a Major Party Ticket








Now, I'm speechless.




tk

Ever wonder...

...why your friends remain your friends,
how come people hold on to you and work to keep you in their lives,
what space you fill?




I think about the flip side quite a bit. I know exactly why I've gone years without letting some friends silently forget themselves out of my life—despite long distances, despite infrequent/nonexistent communication, despite the fact that we have occasionally annoyed the shit out of each other consistently over the years, despite how much work it is sometimes to catch up, despite marriages and babies that get in the way of our friendship, and no matter how much we each change over time.

I also have put myself through the torture chambers and have thought a lot about the ex-friends who did let me go. Then, I realized, I got better shit to do than dwell on them. Sometimes, you fulfill a need, and your job is done.


So...


I wonder about folks who are still around. What's their story? What's their story of us? It's not like there is a shortage of ambiguously ethnic, annoyingly independent, smart-mouthed women who think way too much in this town.